Monday, 26 August 2013

Guest Blog... Lucy - Count the Kicks

Hello, my name is Lucy, I'm a wife and Mummy to three gorgeous boys, two of which keep me on my toes and one that watches closely over his younger brothers from up above.

It is my first son, Roan, that is the reason I am guest blogging today.

Four years ago I was heavily pregnant, cankles the size of elephant legs. I used Baby centre as a place to meet other ladies online who were pregnant and due in September 2009. That is where I got to know Jade and Leeanne and many other lovely ladies.  We shared pregnancy highs, growing bumps, scans; and pregnancy lows, morning sickness, cankles.  You name the worry, someone else felt it too, you really felt supported.

My baby was due on 4th September 2009, I was pretty sure I would go overdue and laughed and joked about it with the other ladies. I was over the moon to be pregnant, a baby that was so loved and wanted already.  I was excited beyond words.

But.......on 29th August 2009 something would happen to change all that! I woke that morning realising my baby had not moved through the night. I ate my breakfast expecting my baby to kick the bowl off my belly as usual, but nothing..............

Panic phone calls to midwife and hospital were followed by the longest 12 mile journey of my life. Every mile willing my baby to move, just once.  Then the long walk to the hospital ward, the silent CTG, the look on the midwife's face, the doctor arriving, the doctor leaving, the consultant arriving, the long motionless scan, the words "I'm sorry" that will forever haunt me.  The day that was to change me as a woman forever!!! 

Roan George was born on Tuesday 1st September weighing 7lbs 1/2oz. He was perfect in every way, the image of his Daddy, but there was no first cry, no Mummy and baby moment, just silence. My perfect little boy lay silent.

Leaving hospital without Roan was the hardest moment of my life. Every ounce of the Mummy in me desperately didn't want to leave him, it was my job to protect him, care for him, nurture him, not leave him. 

The grief that followed was all consuming, my heart was broken in a way that would never be repaired. The person I was prior to 29th August was gone only to be replaced by someone I didn't recognise or want to be. 

It was in my darkest days that Baby Centre helped me again, it is where on the Stillbirth Support group that I met some truly amazing and strong ladies.  Ladies who knew exactly how I felt, ladies who knew what it felt like to have your arms physically ache to hold your baby again, ladies that also had a terrible longing to nurture the baby that they had grown inside them and gave birth to.  Those ladies were my lifesavers and to them I will be forever grateful.

One of those ladies, Sophia, was not only amazing but a true inspiration, she used her grief to set up a truly wonderful charity, Count the kicks, The charity raise awareness of stillbirth in the hope that at least one family are spared the heartbreak of having a baby born still. If you are pregnant or know anyone who is please direct them to her website, it may just be the most important thing you do. Awareness saves little lives. 

On Christmas Day 2010 our gorgeous Rainbow baby Evan arrived into the world and cried the most perfect cry.  Two years later on 17th January 2013 our second Rainbow baby Noah arrived and again cried the most perfect cry. They are beautiful, cheeky, loveable boys who have taught us to smile again and mean it. 

What I have discovered is that time does not heal the grief, but allows you to learn to live with what has happened. It may not be visible to anyone, but I will always be a Mummy to one more child than you can actually see and he will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Roan should be turning 4 on 1st September, so this blog is in memory of him and all the other little ones that never got a chance to come home. Wherever you are sweetheart, Happy Birthday. 

Thank you for reading my blog, I hope I have not upset or offended anyone, it was not my intention, only to raise awareness of a subject that is still taboo even in 2013. 

Love Lucy x


  1. Lucy Roan will always be part of our September 09er family. As will you. Sharing your story to help others shows the kind of lady you are. I often think of you and whenever I see your updates of fun days out I'm glad you were given Evan and Noah they make me smile. Lots of love to you xx

  2. So so sorry for your loss :-( I remember it happening and how devastated we all were for you. I hope you don't mind me asking but were you ever given a reason why? This is just the most awful awful thing to happen and I think you are so brave.
    A fellow September 09'er xx

  3. I remember this day. It was truly devastating for all of us on sept09ers. I will always remember Roan and his birthday and you, Lucy. Your loss has effected me in more ways you can imagine. I will always try and help others in memory of Roan. A beautiful boy. Gone but never forgotten. Much love always. Lorrain (Tilly2121 and James)

  4. Roan will ALWAYS be a september 09er. both you and Roan touched all of us and will always be remembered. I Think all us sept 09's remember Roans birthday each year. Lovely to hear about your rainbow babies. All the best and much love.
    Megan and Anabelle fellow 09er xxx

  5. Lucy, Roan is one of us and will be remembered by so many! He touched our hearts and his soul is imprinted on every one of our Sept09 family! I will always remember this as it was part of the reason the hospital induced my Luke on the 7th Sept as I went into hospital with reduced movements and told them your story. I was so scared and they could see that. Your rainbow babies will know that they have a wonderful big brother because Roan will live on not only in your memories but those of over a hundred Sept09 mummies too! Much love to your wonderful family Lucy. From Nikki & Luke xxx

  6. Lucy, I often think of you and beautiful Roan. He is and always will be one of our Sept 09ers. Well done for writing this blog xxxxx

  7. Sending massive (((hugs))). I can only imagine how hard it must have been to write this post. Roan is always in our hearts with the Sept '09ers. Congratulations on the 2 rainbow babies. Lots of love, Jackie and Noah. xx

  8. Wishing Roan a very happy birthday, we thought of him. Your courage has touched all our lives over the last 4 years xxx

  9. Happy 4th birthday Roan, we will always remember our extra special September 2009. Congratulations on your rainbow babies xxx



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