Guest Blog... Lucy - Count the Kicks

Hello, my name is Lucy, I'm a wife and Mummy to three gorgeous boys, two of which keep me on my toes and one that watches closely over his younger brothers from up above.

It is my first son, Roan, that is the reason I am guest blogging today.

Four years ago I was heavily pregnant, cankles the size of elephant legs. I used Baby centre as a place to meet other ladies online who were pregnant and due in September 2009. That is where I got to know Jade and Leeanne and many other lovely ladies.  We shared pregnancy highs, growing bumps, scans; and pregnancy lows, morning sickness, cankles.  You name the worry, someone else felt it too, you really felt supported.

My baby was due on 4th September 2009, I was pretty sure I would go overdue and laughed and joked about it with the other ladies. I was over the moon to be pregnant, a baby that was so loved and wanted already.  I was excited beyond words.

But.......on 29th August 2009 something would happen to change all that! I woke that morning realising my baby had not moved through the night. I ate my breakfast expecting my baby to kick the bowl off my belly as usual, but nothing..............

Panic phone calls to midwife and hospital were followed by the longest 12 mile journey of my life. Every mile willing my baby to move, just once.  Then the long walk to the hospital ward, the silent CTG, the look on the midwife's face, the doctor arriving, the doctor leaving, the consultant arriving, the long motionless scan, the words "I'm sorry" that will forever haunt me.  The day that was to change me as a woman forever!!! 

Roan George was born on Tuesday 1st September weighing 7lbs 1/2oz. He was perfect in every way, the image of his Daddy, but there was no first cry, no Mummy and baby moment, just silence. My perfect little boy lay silent.

Leaving hospital without Roan was the hardest moment of my life. Every ounce of the Mummy in me desperately didn't want to leave him, it was my job to protect him, care for him, nurture him, not leave him. 

The grief that followed was all consuming, my heart was broken in a way that would never be repaired. The person I was prior to 29th August was gone only to be replaced by someone I didn't recognise or want to be. 

It was in my darkest days that Baby Centre helped me again, it is where on the Stillbirth Support group that I met some truly amazing and strong ladies.  Ladies who knew exactly how I felt, ladies who knew what it felt like to have your arms physically ache to hold your baby again, ladies that also had a terrible longing to nurture the baby that they had grown inside them and gave birth to.  Those ladies were my lifesavers and to them I will be forever grateful.

One of those ladies, Sophia, was not only amazing but a true inspiration, she used her grief to set up a truly wonderful charity, Count the kicks, www.countthekicks.org.uk. The charity raise awareness of stillbirth in the hope that at least one family are spared the heartbreak of having a baby born still. If you are pregnant or know anyone who is please direct them to her website, it may just be the most important thing you do. Awareness saves little lives. 

On Christmas Day 2010 our gorgeous Rainbow baby Evan arrived into the world and cried the most perfect cry.  Two years later on 17th January 2013 our second Rainbow baby Noah arrived and again cried the most perfect cry. They are beautiful, cheeky, loveable boys who have taught us to smile again and mean it. 

What I have discovered is that time does not heal the grief, but allows you to learn to live with what has happened. It may not be visible to anyone, but I will always be a Mummy to one more child than you can actually see and he will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Roan should be turning 4 on 1st September, so this blog is in memory of him and all the other little ones that never got a chance to come home. Wherever you are sweetheart, Happy Birthday. 

Thank you for reading my blog, I hope I have not upset or offended anyone, it was not my intention, only to raise awareness of a subject that is still taboo even in 2013. 

Love Lucy x